Postpartum Emotions

I gave birth less than two weeks ago. My little girl has completely stolen my heart, and I cannot imagine life without her. I expected this to be the case. My husband and I have waited a long time for children, and I have always known that being a mummy was what I was meant to be.

What I absolutely didn’t expect after giving birth though was the emotions I have felt.

I have spent the past two weeks crying on and off, my heart breaking.

There have been two main causes of my tears; the fact I am no longer pregnant and fearing my husbands return to work.

My husband has been incredible. He has ran around after me and Isla since the second we arrived home from the hospital. He has done all the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry (my God, how much extra laundry does a newborn baby create?!). He has looked after the dog, ran me baths, got up in the night with the baby, kept me company during feeds. He has done absolutely everything. I didn’t think I could love him anymore than I already did, but seeing him adjust to the role of Daddy has made me melt. Even after over 11 years together I really do love him more and more every single day.

In the next few days he will be returning to work and I am absolutely terrified. He works long hours, leaving the house at around 6.30am and often not returning home until 7pm. He also works Saturdays. He works an hour away, meaning he can’t just pop in on his lunch hour if we’re struggling.

I have no idea how I am going to cope. For the past few weeks I’ve struggled to even get dressed most days. How will I manage to do everything on my own? I have been in quite a lot of pain since the birth, at times having to resort to crawling around the house because walking is just too painful. How am I going to move baby around if this pain flares up when he’s at work? I am so frightened.

It’s not only the fear of managing alone that upsets me, it’s the end of the newborn bubble. The past two weeks have been amazing, spending time as a family. My dream has finally come true after all these years of waiting. Now we’re going to get so little family time. He’s going to miss out on so much and that kills me.

Now, this feeling over my husbands return to work is something I can understand. I think it’s natural and probably something most new Mum’s feel. Feeling upset over no longer being pregnant though is a completely different kettle of fish.

I made no secret of the fact that I struggled somewhat with being pregnant. I suffered with bad morning sickness for almost half the pregnancy, had awful heartburn and rib issues and didn’t sleep for the majority of the 9 months. Immediately after giving birth I told my husband to enjoy Isla as much as he could, because there would defintely be no more. I was traumatised and there was no way I could ever do that again.

Despite that, I have spent hours over the past few days looking at photographs of my bump, scan photos, positive pregnancy tests. I miss the kicks. I miss never being alone. I miss seeing my tummy grow everyday. I miss the planning, the lists full of things we need for babies arrival. I miss the scans, the midwife appointments, hearing babies heart beating away. I miss my families excitement, the tummy rubs from my husband. Pregnancy brought us all so close together. Most of all I miss the anticipation, the unknown, not having a clue what’s coming, but knowing it will be absolutely incredible.

I have spent my whole life waiting to be pregnant, waiting to become a Mum, and now it’s done.

I wish I could go back in time, give myself a slap and tell myself to enjoy every second. Make the most of those 9 months because those 40 weeks really do go so fast. A lot of pregnancy isn’t fun, but I wish I had tried to enjoy even those rubbish bits, because they’re soon over.

Never in a million years did I imagine I would be feeling like this after pregnancy. I thought I would be over the moon to finally be able to sleep, shave my own legs and eat chocolate without reaching for the Gaviscon. Turns out I was completely wrong.

What makes it even more ridiculous is that we’ve always planned on having a reasonably large family, so if we’re lucky enough, I will get the opportunity to be pregnant again. This hopefully, was not a one off, and next time I will know to make the most of every single day.

I am normally a very level headed person. These emotions have taken me completely by surprise. I have heard of the baby blues but never expected anything like this. Bring back sane Laura please!

xx

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